I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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