youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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