I'm pants shitting drunk right now
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
