I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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