The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
