I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
