idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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