If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
