I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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