It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
