It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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