Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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