I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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