I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
