I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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