ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
