Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
