Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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