Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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