Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
