i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
