Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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