Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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