Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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