I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He better not be in your backpack
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You ate ashes out of my bong
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
