i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
