i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
