this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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