some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
