I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
