I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
