im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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