So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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