Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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