My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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