And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
