my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
