guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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