textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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