I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Randomize
