Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
