Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
