are you still at the devil's house?
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
