tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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