so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
