I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
