It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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