I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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