Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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