omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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